A Prayer for the Quietly Desperate

Troubled.

Constantly bombarded by thoughts.

Regrets.

Stresses.

Lonely.

Feeling like I’m running out of time.

What if?

Questions. Questions. Questions.

No Answers.

Exactly the place I have recently been.

At the precipice.

Kapil Gupta’s work couldn’t lessen my pains anymore.

Being with people ( Socializing ) didn’t ease things either.

Not even going to swimming.

Not working out.

Not watching movies, Not social media,

Not a productive day,

Not busyness.

Nothing.

Not intimacy,

Nothing is fulfilling,

In the midst of all of it, the desire to pray came.

I did it,

I asked God that I didn’t really know Him.

That he is the only go to I have now.

And I told Him how I felt.

The things that are troubling me.

Keeping me up at nights.

My demons.

The things I am struggling with.

The bitter feelings that arise within me involuntarily, How I have fought them for years unsuccessfully,

A monologue with God.

For nearly 25 mins.

I asked for peace, for satisfaction, from freedom.

I asked that he keeps me close despite everything.

To fill the void in my heart.

To keep close to his sight.

I admitted that by my own will I couldn’t, because I haven’t done it sofar.

I told him how I want everything in my life: my whole life to be in his hands.

Then something happened.

I felt peace, I felt relief, I felt calm,

I felt the heaviness dissipate,

I felt at ease for the first time that day.

I caught a break.

The ‘cast your burdens unto the lord’ hit me in that very moment.

I could relate in that very moment.

Then I thought to myself, may be I have been approaching wrong this whole time.

I should have been coming to you this whole time.

Why it took me this long, I don’t know. But at least now I know.

The beginning of a new journey.

I want to have the story of: If it wasn’t for God I wouldn't be here.

I want to have that story. And, I want it to be true.

I don’t want it to be made up.

I want my heart to be won over totally,

I want to be surrendered totally to the force that will deliver me from this rut.

I want to be had wholly,

I want nothing of me to be left.

This is where I am.