I am I manufacturing my experience or is it true? This is a question I often ask myself. It is me pinching myself as a reminder that the experience that I am in in that moment is true for me. I am not talking about absolute reality because fleeting experiences wouldn’t be the appropriate pointer to it, reality is judged by that which is not fleeting. If a human being discovers within himself something that is not fleeting they would have found something real.
So where does boredom come in here? Boredom and I guess the habitual bracing for incoming anxiety ( the anxiety which does not come anymore ) are probably the two most dominant experiences I have right now that I would rather not have. The boredom comes from the periods that I am not deeply engaged in some endeavor and the bracing for anxiety comes when I do something and the narrative of that I should be doing something else or shouldn’t be doing the activity at hand at all exists in my mind. I think its an habit that was cemented when I had anxiety, I would brace for the anxiety, then the anxiety would come. Then I would be consumed by it till I slept or found a cosmetic fix to it. I would be relieved temporarily then it would attack again from another avenue.
I am getting used to being alone. I want to be comfortable being alone so that I no longer feel boredom. That a human being is fundamentally alone is a truth whose digestion is ongoing in me. Though 2 people might feel a certain way at a given time, each one of them is feeling that way on their own, it is their personal experience. I am sure there is a deeper way of dissecting this to make it easier to see how this is so — but the example above might just be the doorstep of it.
Acceptance that I am not a regular societal human being is another fact that needs to seep through me. This is not accordance of any specialty to myself it is a self observation. If I were to fit in to society I would suffer a great deal. Right now there is a part of me that struggle to remain in society but there is a part that is pulling me away to asceticism and its getting stronger with more realizations.
THIS IS MY 100TH Piece of PUBLISHED WRITTING on Medium…I ATTAINED PEACE FROM THESE SELF EXAMINATIONS, MORE THAN I COULD EVER ASK…I NEED NOT EVER WRITE ANOTHER PIECE AGAIN…