DIRT ON ME

I am on the dirt again,…

After putting down the last article — the ability not to indulge in the habit in question arose — for about 4 days didn’t make affort to keep off. It was just so. Then, my mind started to look for it, crave it till finally it led back to the habit. A sage warned against forcing the mind against it’s habitual patterns, since the mind will revenge. It seems I am under this philosophy now. He also mentioned that the pursuit of pleasure is a waste since it doesn’t have ability to bring lasting satisfaction…

I am still here, the pleasure it brings at times is incomparable. Then energy it saps sucks, I become forgetful, sort of confused, low energy and likelihood to sleep day time. That seems to be the pattern of immediate effects I feel without manufacturing or digging too hard.

The reason I ‘relapsed’ is plainly that my desire to get rid of the habit isn’t strong, sincere, genuine, burning enough. Otherwise I wouldn’t still chase it. Everything below this is a detail, off-shoot of the core problem. Which heartly I wouldn’t say it is obviously a problem — it is sort of a problem…

WHAT DO I REALLY WANT FROM IT? If I look into it will it stop me from seeking it?….