Does it Have to Get to Rock Bottom?
Addresee -: The habits that I know are bad but the will, the desire is not enough to let them go.
Atleast 5 habits that are in this category are present in my life ; procrastination, sports betting, corn indulgence, mindless media consumption and holding on to the past.
But the latest highlight is sports betting, it is such a bore that this habit still lingers. I have never won in the grand scheme of things, I have never won big. I have lost big multiple times including recently that has led to this writing.
The events that happens that sorround the losses are the same, hope and dispair, close losses, afew close wins, compulsive betting, promise to stick to a certain strategy and then failing to stick to it, ‘safe betting’, low stakes, high stakes, projections, hope that I will win big and win back all monies I have lost since my first bet in 2014, then quit, then relapse…etc.
As I write this, the urge to indulge prevails, I am sort of holding myself back because at now it is almost a guarantee that if I play I will lose again. The threshold of how much losses I can take before I lose hope and quit has risen, the presence of shreds of hope that may be I can still win signifies that this threshold hasn’t been reached, the fire isn’t hot enough to cause me to withdraw my limb from it at once. Something in me is disobeying this urge, it sees that what if we never reach that threshold soon, what if I have to go to financial ruin before I get there…it is often the case that it is arrived at when one losses everything, or to the point where it is clearly unsustainable to keep going, when one is left with no choice to face the truth of the situation. Then and only then does the desire to quit or stop becomes sincere…then help or the necessary action happens without having to be told to or trying to live upto any tenet in the direction of quitting, or having to employ the upstream swim discipline and willpower.
The point I am at is one of knowing that I have this bad habit and the desire to stop it is not dire enough. I found myself inquiring into this and it has put me in some state of limbo, but it is keeping me away from the habit for now. I feel the desire to stop is growing, I’ll let it bloom. The mind is one forgetful aly, I don’t know how long it will take it before it throw me back to the dirt again, this sentence implies that I am at the mercy of the mind, that I am it’s captive, that it is a separate tyranical entity that runs me, or that part of me, it seems it does.
