Downfall Recipe
There once was a time when I was a junkie of gambling. I could lose money but still scrap up enough coins to play again. I was so broke, the only thing I had was the belief in hope. Hope that one day I was going to win big and hence quit the whole thing with house money. It failed, I still lost a lot of money, the hope left me stranded, I was forced to quit gambling. I did quit for about 18 months before I tried again.
I am here again, I am on a 15 bets losing streak, I have lost about USD 30, this might not seem to be a lot of money but according to economic times in the city it is. Again, I have hope that I will make a tone of money and quit. This is self deceit, because the results so far tell a different story. They are screaming STOP! I know I will still bet. I will make a budget for this thing and see how far it goes. I have a cap space of of USD 70. If the whatever strategies I have in my head fail. I will accept defeat and quit again. The dangling carrot is always that there are things you haven’t tried and that you just need to correct certain mistakes.
How it makes me feel? Horrible, but not as horrible as it would have been if I still had anxiety. I wouldn’t dare to gamble with that anxiety. It would nearly kill me. I feel down but it is not penetrating to the core, there is a huge reservoir of peace in me that is what is protecting me from crashing. I feel unrestrained from doing anything now, I have this sudden courage to pursue women again, I am concerned that I will walk myself down paths of destruction.
Other things that have been rampant in my experience lately are boredom, gossip, pursuit of women with the hope getting laid and looking porn and masturbating to it. I get really bored because my work schedule is not much. I work around 4 hours every day — when done, I fill up my time with listening to Kapil Gupta’s podcasts, gym, going to friends and talking about many things and gossip, watch entertainment, be on long phone calls with people, cook food etc…
I might not come out of this in one piece but I am going for it.
