Go Back to That Time

When I was so full of Love, Light and Positive Vibes

When I was immune to negativity.

So positive my eyes lit.

When I was not bothered by the passing of time.

When I did not feel that I was running late.

When I was trusting, when didn’t have reason to distrust human beings.

When I was detached from money, and material things.

When I experienced bliss for the first time, and lost in the novelty of it,

And gripped by trying to figure out what it was,

When I didn’t care for comparison others.

When my heart wasn’t heavy,

When my steps were light,

When didn’t have a list of demands,

When I had all this hope and faith that things would be a certain way,

When I didn’t have holes poked in my faith in a higher power,

When my aloneness was where I ran to,

When my body felt immortal,

I could bench, deadlift and squat nearly all the weight at the gym,

When I didn’t have ulterior motive for doing things,

When I didn’t really believe in lack,

The golden days,

At some point I swallowed a poison disguised in sweeteners,

And departed from that place to where I am speaking from now,

A place where fear, insecurity, doubt, loneliness, victim mentality, blame, self indulgence, anxiety inner turmoil etc. are within a closer reach that the opposite.

A dugout with flickering lights.

Feels like a torture chamber at times,

50 + 1 % of the time glass is half empty,

I can’t point to the place where the rain started beating but I am soaked up,

Dragging my feet through murk,

Trying to hold on to slippery walls,

This is the feeling of this place,

At some point, everything fell apart so bad it started being comedic.

I try to fix A, B and C breaks.

I went to disassociation mode,

Thoughts of going to psychotherapy came up,

Here are issue that keep recurring but I have not mustered sufficient power to conquer or the understanding to naturally let go.

May be this admission is my turn around,

And the reason why my next story will be filled with light, without trying.

I have little belief in lack, but wish me,

I need every shred of thrust out of this place I can get.

Shukran!