Going Deeper — Mind v Mind

It’s been nearly 3 months now since the quitting of P&M happened. I managed to stay ‘celibate’ for 45 days, then I couldn’t hold anymore. I was overwhelmed by the desire to have sex, it was such a mighty pull. Then I had it, and from there that has become my new struggle.

Since that time, the drive to seek female attention has risen up to a level that I have never experienced before. The courage to talk to women I find attractive has also risen, I had a woman ask me where I find this kind of courage. I find myself desiring to have sex with every woman I find attractive, even just a slight attraction. If I feel like it is unlikely that it will lead to that, I lose motivation to continue and the interaction ends there and move on swiftly to the next girl. Quite frankly, women are more interested in me now so it doesn’t really help.

What I have really wanted, was to get out of this rut. But I want it to be genuine — not forced, not discipline and willpower induced. I don’t want it to be for an ulterior motive such as; morality, ‘it is good for me’, soul ties, blah blah blah. I want just a genuine exit from that game of chasing pleasure. And if I am not there yet, it will not matter what I write here, I will find myself led back to that cycle, I pray it ends soon.

When it comes to such a thing the mind hinders one from ‘quitting’ by;

1. Introducing time — here the mind brings scenarios in time and loops you back in to the habit. i.e. It will say — ‘ if you quit now, what about the next 1 year? Will you wait till marriage? These question eventually cause one to cave back in, especially if the instrument of quitting is will power and discipline. Then you are back to square 1. The future ultimately is not real, it does not exist in reality, it is a mind creation. So if someone enters that game they will not ‘win’ — the mind will win. The only time that one needs to quit a habit ever, it that single moment he/she is living. That’s it. If one insists on just quitting in this moment, the mind will not win. This I know for certain.

2. The mind makes the quitting into something — it attaches shiny concepts to it. Here are some that I have fell victim to; celibacy, brahmacharya, monk mode, hermit, semen retention, nofap, x days challenge, hard mode, etc. .Just any shiny concept that is with the culture and sounds cool and pleasant the mind attaches to it. Then it soon becomes something else, the quitting become baggage, it turns into an ideal to live up to. Hence the inevitable downfall.

The are the main two, especially for me. I am not sure if I am truly quit or I am just playing another mind game with myself. One thing I know for sure is that this way of life is not sustainable — it is likely that it will lead to places I don’t want to be. It is likely that it will lead to more loss of freedom and freedom is my most treasured desire.

I want to be truly free. Free from all chains that bring me suffering, that keep me on the hamster wheel of chasing things that are not findable; that cannot be had.

This is where I am at…