Growing a New Skin

There is something of value I lost from myself gradually since the beginning of my teenage years till now. It has slowly introduced very strange feelings of less than wholeness within myself; feelings that have been my daily companions — it is just that in the past one or so years, intolerance to feeling that way has reached a fever pitch — and it has resulted in the seeking of a way away from them. This has been a silent journey of mine.

I feel myself regenerating, reuniting back to this part of mine I lost. I didn’t really lose it, it just got obscured in the course of my circular chases and losing my way.

It has been more than a week now, when a journey away from this last hurdle that has kept me away from myself began, I have made many similar journey’s in the past but failed 100% of it. It is the lessons that I learned in those failures that perhaps have paved this way that I am now. It is away from the mind and not within it, it does not have ulterior motive such doing it for benefits, or to adhere to a moral standard or even to regain that part of me. It is purely just a movement away from that space. The benefits and adherence to any standard is but an effect or a byproduct of the journey and they are not of much importance.

I feel so free. I am glad I am here. It has been years and years of torment, bondage, and feeling lost within myself. My breath is even deeper now, I am a lot calmer. If God does exist, I am truly thankful for delivering me from this hell that I had been trapped for years. It has sapped the life out of me, and left me in many ways a zombified man.

I am satisfied, I am relieved from having to chase dangling carrots and wasting my life in that way.

I feel like regardless of what happens from here on, I feel I will be fine.

This is my first stride towards a whole new kind of living, I feel the effect of it even as write this, my eyes are teary…