How Do I want to Feel?

This is a question I have never really explored. How I wish to feel…

IWrite this post Championship win by the warriors and in the mid morning of a work day ( Friday )…

How do I wish to feel? Here goes the exploration…

I notice that I am always oscillating between wanting to feel a certain way and escaping feeling a certain way. We have been told that the world does not care about how we feel, well what if I could arrange my world in a way to produce how I wish to feel?

How I wish to feel is certainly the opposite of how I often feel — anxious, uneasy, conflicted inside, confused and in inner turmoil. If I can feel that, in a sustainable way not necessarily subject to an achievement but as a default state of being it would be great.

I saw a piece of writing which says that the pursuit of pleasure only leads to misery. My pursuit of pleasure here is in wanting to feel good or wanting to feel how I love to, how I would want to…it is written that a sincere quest is not a chase. What is sincere in my case is that I don’t want my days to predominantly constitute painful feelings.

I want to feel whole.

I want to feel fulfilled.

I want to feel a sense of playing with house money.

I want to feel connected.

I want to feel appreciated and supported.

I want to feel trusted and assured.

I want to feel that I am in control or feel positively about the trajectory of my life despite not being in control.

I want to feel excitement.

I want to feel satiated in everyway possible.

I want to feel not trapped — free.

I want to feel genuinely loved by the people around me.

I want to feel free from knee and back pains, and sourness in my body.

I want to feel a myriad of ways — all of them basically circle around feeling good, feeling great. I want that to be my default state whether things are looking up or down.

All these without intake of exogenous substances, without seeking entertainment, without doing anything to cause it. What I know is that if a certain thing gives me a certain feeling then I will be left going back so as to get the feeling. It is the game I have been playing my whole life. Making basketball shots makes me feel a certain way that I like, hence I keep showing up to the court without it feeling like it is a chore. The gym has the same effect too, may be being on a plant based diet also.

There is always a trade off of a feeling or a certain material resource i.e. money. The best case scenario is where both are available; the feeling wanted and the resource gained. Second best is the feeling, 3rd is the resource and not the feeling. I have unlearned or grown averse to the notion of sacrifice, suffering and penancing my way into things. If the journey is not joyful from the beginning it is most likely not a worthy pursuit.