I Don’t Know if I am Going to be Okay

I am sad because don’t know if I am going to be okay. I am in pain because I got a lower back injury. I can’t sit, walk, take a dump, stand and bend without pain. My body feels very tired because of these pains. It consumes a lot of energy to endure pain, and the pain is severe enough that I cannot really ignore or get used to.

I am sad because I am unable to do the activity which I love the most, which is work out. I went to the gym today, the guys are lifting all happy I couldn’t, I don’t know my life is headed from here. I don’t have energy to even have some hope to keep me going, I really don’t know what happens from here.

I don’t pray much but I hope I am being watched and that my body will heal again, not even so that I can go back to the gym but so that I am free from pain.

The scan report says that I got stenosis, one of my discs is slipped out and pressing the nerve, it sends shock waves of pains and sensation down my feet, it causes piercing pains in some parts of my upper back. It is cold now in Nairobi but I don’t feel much of it, the pain in my body causes a lot of heat that I don’t feel that cold.

On my knees and on my stomach are my most comfortable positions to do my job and to rest, other positions are a NO. I am glad I work mostly remotely, I get to catch a break at times.

My fear also is that it might end up needing surgery and if it does I am wiped out financially, all my savings the last 2–3 yrs will go down to medical bills and it probably won’t be enough.

I don’t really know how to proceed from here, If I knew that I was going to be okay without forcing myself to believe or be hopeful etc. I wouldn’t stress much but I do not. So the stress, worries and fears of what if’s are still there because I don’t know and I don’t feel like I am going to be fine. My past 3 weeks have been an upsurge of pain then some relief then pain.

I don’t know if it will be acceptable for me to live this way for a long time…My body better find a way to heal itself because I just lack that endurance to live in such pains.