I Lost Time, but I Won Back My Soul.

Today is nearly 10 weeks later since this level of journey I embarked on began. It has taken me so long to get here. At least 9 years. What I will never know is how much or what it has costed me. What I could have turned out to be without this blindside. I don’t know if another vice would have taken me over, the vice that would have taken it’s place. So it is sort of pointless to even regret or think ‘may be’ because the truth is that ‘I don’t really know’ I can only speculate, and speculation is not Truth. Truth is truth, pure, unadorned.

In the past I have disqualified the ways in which I tried to use in order to quit. The praying, use of tenets such as will power and discipline, the keeping day counts, the meditating, the talking to someone about it, writing about it, using site blockers, the thinking about the negative effects etcetera — But when I look back I don’t know if I can truly say that. May be the failing of all of them led me to the path to freedom. May be I had to exhaust all of them to get here, or even they might have had a cumulative effect it my journey to liberation in ways that I cannot fathom. I might never know. What I know for sure is that who I was being as a result of continued indulgence in ‘that’ vice was someone I had grown tired of, of someone I couldn’t sustain anymore. Of someone that was at the brink of downfall.

Why I say I won back my soul is that the vice had infiltrated me so deeply over the years that I was mostly hopeless that I would ever be free from it. Something within me kept fighting and fighting until now it has won. My mind had submitted to the vice but something pulled me out.

I am a whole new person now. I feel clean inside. This is the one vice that I have always thought to myself that if I ever quit, my life would completely change. I am living that ‘prophecy’ as I write this. I feel clean, I feel like a whole new human being, I don’t feel like I am corroding inside anymore.

My mind sort of writes it off and says that now you are at square one — you have dug through the negative now you are at level zero. No cause for any celebration. Actually it is a cause for celebration. The example of the plane that loses it track by a negligible deviation just came to mind. It is written that if it does even slightly it totally loses it’s track. I feel like I have brought myself back on track or near the track and this is very significant — my mind might not see the benefit now but it will in the days of the future past.

Almost everyone especially men, with a smartphone and internet access has been infected with this drug. The drug of watching pawn, and releasing to it. This has drained my spirit, my soul for many many years. It has perhaps made me miss out on opportunities to explore my potential, to have out of this world relationships with people. I don’t know but I feel it has. The saddest thing about it is that if I came across such an article when I was lost in it, I would perhaps read it and no change would happen. I would perhaps quit for a few days then cave in when the urge comes.

This is the experience of everyone who has gone through pawn and m’bation compulsivity, I hesitate to use the word addiction. Compulsivity is the word that says directly what the habit is. It is a compulsion that tramples the will power of it’s victims almost every time. Yes, it gives pleasure but way more pain. It leaves one withered, spent, drained of essence etc., it creates pathways to chronic anxiety, fear, guilt, shame and helplessness/victim mentality. It brings hell to the human beings life.

I am thankful to the universe or God or whatever power that helped me quit ( by way of making circumstances ripe for me to truly quit ). I for damn sure know that I would not have done it by ways of willpower and discipline. It is a habit that is very subtle, the mind seeks it out in the most quiet corners of the human beings psyche — then it leaves the human in the muddy waters trying to find a way out for the longest time, and unfortunately at times the human being runs out of time first. He dies or grows old without ever having tasted freedom from this one habit that has held him captive for his whole life.

I am truly thankful. I won back my soul. The last time I had it was in primary school when I was not yet been introduced towards this direction. May your way out of this bondage or any other vice open up for you too. Best wishes….

this is an appreciation post