In Need of Transformation
I am caught in a momentum / inertia of stagnation, regression and negativity within myself in many aspects. I am in need of a Transformation.
I desire for my life to change irreversibly to something I need but I could never think of, a destination of grace. It has been quite a while since my last transformation. I miss the feeling of having changed, the last thing that changed about me is diet.
Transformation to me means when something about me changes and it has a lasting effect — preferably something positive. The plant based diet is something I will do for the rest of my life.
The underlying themes of anxiety, worry, confusion, indecisiveness, self doubt, making silly mistakes, lack of cautiousness/keenness/attention to detail, seeking entertainment online etc. are indicative of fundamental issues stacked within myself. This is why I need transformation.
This line of thought was sparked by one of my gym guys who has undergone a transformation, and also the fact the I recognize that my life as is is wanting. I could do way better than this, I can be more accountable, I have started to notice a pattern of deceitfulness within myself, telling myself and other people lies that because I justify to myself in some way do register as lies but they are lies.
The only thing that the nuts and bolts have tightened is the fact that I can’t be in a relationship the way I am right now. I want to be the provider in my the relationship I will have, any other way will not sit well with me, because that’s what I want and I can be that as at now, It is logical for me to step aside and work on it because I can’t be that person now. I only make enough to take of myself and some bills here and there.
I am challenged by my gym buddy because he has done what I have for a long time wanted to do but for some reason have not been able to pull off. If he could do it I feel like I can. I don’t know what his motivations are or the place of extreme that got him down that path but he did it.
I really want to emulate in fact I have already set it in my mind. The thing that concerns is whether I can do it for long. Is it sustainable? I have tried in the past but failed. That has been the pattern. I have never given up even after relapsing, I find my way to pick myself up. I have never fed off inspiration from a person in real life like I did from his story. I know motivation expires but will ride it as it lasts and see where it gets me…