Infiltrated — Tying Value to Material Gain Story.
As a man his late 20s, I have started to feel the pressure of not having had accumulated enough things and the medium to which to accumulate things ( money ). It is to the point where, it gives me inner turmoil.
It all originated from the idea that as a man I should be a provider, which I learned later in life from red pill circles and from life itself. It is a very recent adoption. It has negatively affected my self confidence, because the mere fact that I have not accumulated the said stuff or that I am not conventionally successful. The way I interpret it is success = value and I got to have that to be worth consideration by a majority of women looking for long term suiters, even short term suiters.
It just today that it has come to my attention how much this view has suffocated me. The tying of my self worth to material gain, or success, or the ability to provide, or usefulness, and that is primarily the definition of being a man is has put me down a path of chases. It has introduced the belief in lack in that particular area.
It affects how I feel about myself, it has made me shy away more from women, or tend towards women who I perceive to be of a certain economic level I can handle. It has caused a belief that despite all other factors that is the main thing that women look for in a man to qualify for a relationship. It has skyrocketed my levels of insecurity, I feel threatened by women who I perceive to be more successful than me. I have that filter in my psyche, I silently disqualify women or disqualify myself from such women. I have a belief that if I cannot provide, then there is nothing else of value I can give a woman. The lustre of sex will wither away soon, then what. Ability to provide is the sole factor that I peg my value to women — I have a belief deep down that if I do not have those things I will not get what I seek in women; and because I am not there yet, it causes me a lot of inner turmoil, it is major mental block that the only way to surmount it to strive and have those things in the end. But when is that day?
It has even affected me in the level of family. I see the level of respect I am accorded or what I believe to be the level of respect I am accorded from the way some of my extended family treat me. Sensitivity to this should not even exist within me, because duhh it is family, but it does.
To be honest, I was never taught this growing up, or I was never keen enough to notice early and learn myself.
I don’t know if it could have made a difference if I was told early. That this is how things are. Even during the post circumcision seclusion, I do not remember it being discussed. It is just later, I think at around the age of 25 that these ideas started to flood my mind. The source mainly these red pill channels in the manosphere. The likes of Amerix, Rollo Tomassi, Andrew Kibe etc.
It sinks even more because any girl that has had access to any social media platform has come across ‘men must be provider’ in the their non-negotiables for things to look for in a guy. Kevin Samuels argues that the chances for relationship satisfaction for ‘average’ women who would be perfectly happy with an ‘average’ guy have been spoilt by these ideas. Not every woman will get the successful man.
I will walk with this awareness, continue to examine how much turmoil it causes within me. Ultimately, it is not acceptable for me to live downing myself and feeling worthless and negative because I can’t provide for someone else. As at now I can at least provide for myself and occasionally family. I am not conventionally successful. This has to be enough for me, because now what can I do. Pluck money for my tree? Rob a bank? Scam people? Hell nah. I am going to be successful one day. I have a level of discipline that is a predictor that I will be successful financially in the end. I will be a late bloomer, but I will bloom.
Till then, all negativity that will arise from this way of looking is invalid.
