IT DAWNED ON ME
A seemingly obvious realization hit me today. The realization that I should have control over my sexuality. I live in this fear of relapsing when I am on a streak of abstinence from watching online pornography. It gets to certain point where I break then I relapse again. But this simple absolutely non cosmic realization hit me so deeply that it has in someway empowered me again, reignited in me the belief that I am not at the mercy of this habit but I am in control of it.
I might be using this realization as a technique to keep myself off the adult movies, I have read in numerous writings of Kapil that techniques can only work for so long. I have observed this to be the case. But still, I should have control over my sexuality. I should be able to say no, and it be so. Despite the disobedience that is thoughts and feelings that compel me to indulge. It is so simple.
I have been pondering and pondering how I manage to be 100% plant based so easily, without the need to be consciously discipline and use will power and all that. It is so natural. I feel like nothing is missing. It just feels right. I was wondering how that is so and the freedom from indulgence in pornography and therefore masturbation isn’t so.
What is it that I am missing? The biggest thing that came up is abstinence for ulterior motives such as being celibate, and living up to the Nofap challenges, and semen retention and seeking benefits and gain some self image as the guy who has mastered his sexuality. I must state there is nothing wrong with doing things to attain these badges in fact I know I will feel good wearing these badges.
The problem is they are ineffective, they turn a simple thing into an uphill battle. They give significance to something that is in many ways insignificant. The turning it into something that gets the mind involved, milking good feelings from it, lofty ideas of now being against the grain and distancing oneself from the masses — feel good things. They make me feel really good about myself. I feel it even now. It is not wrong to feel good, in fact the better, feeling good about yourself for a positive change.
Just the simple realization that my sexuality is in my control; like the fact that what I put in my mouth is within my control and never at the mercy of feelings or thought coercions that might arise. So simple, so concise — no added steps, no method to practice, no ideal to live up to. If it happens to bring the benefits that the semen retention people preach, well and good, but there is no dependence on whether they come or not. No looking to the horizon for when the ship will come. No leaving anything to hope or faith. No keeping day counts. No affirming myself that it is so because it is just so. It is done no more oscillation between abstinence and relapse. Most important of all, no more mind games.
