It Lingers On…
The number of times I will write about this might get to infinity.
The quitting and relapse to corn.
I have been off it for at least 5 weeks, till I fell about 24hrs ago. Not keeping a score card.
It has been quite effortless, I used prayer to God as a tool to fight the urges/to sustain the desire in me to not want to indulge — to stay away/to support the parts of myself that desire to sustain the abstinence.
I was overwhelmed after a subconscious build up of temptation and not so successful attempts at keeping them at bay.
Having a girlfriend has been one of my greatest incentive not to indulge.
But now because the bridge has been crossed again, It is hard to stop the mind from pushing me to indulge. I won’t give up…
I will keep praying to God to renew my desire to want to quit again and for grace to quit and sustain it.
Willpower and discipline have not historically worked in this domain, they fail to quickly I have learned not to even try to go that route.
The power to quit and sustain it has to come from beyond my mind.
The veil was pierced when I had sex after that 5 weeks of not indulging, it made temping content picked up on/offline become more appealing…
There isn’t actually no sufficient reason to stay away from corn, the dopamine hit it stimulate is just to high to compare to any other reward one can obtain from the body.
The consequence are not obvious enough or if they arise they don’t last long or produce a lasting effect to cause the mind to want not to pull one back to indulgence.
In fact the more one keeps off the greater the hit when one relapses.
For me, there isn’t sufficient reason to quit, yet. But I pray to God to help me keep off, sustain my will power and discipline to stay away from it because I know intellectually, experientially and from other people’ experiences that it is actually a bad habit. Though the ‘badness’ of it as expressed in writings, scientific researches, the so far personal experiences and those of other people, side effects, consequences etc. has not been sufficient enough to produce the lasting effect of staying away from it.
This is where I am, I am likely to go on an indulgence spree before I can to place of wanting to keep off again naturally…
May all be well with me 🤗
