Kimeniramba Babe!
So, I know you advised me against betting and all but at those points of advise I was still caught in it, I’m still caught up in it, I could not manage to sustain decisions to quit on my own. I went to therapy in Feb but it was not enough to sustain quitting.
Atleast 3 factors are at play, the actual wins that come at times, the hope to win keeps me going back, and chasing loses etc. I have consistenly lost significant amounts from Dec till date but the hope is still there — that I will win big at some point and recoup — it defies logic. Man I need some hand holding to quit. It will be hard because the hope to win is still there — my willingness to quit is not 100%, the threshold within to quit cold turkey is not yet reached — normally I quit when all hope of winning is lost but this time — the hope is still lingers on — I think it refreshes everytime I win something.
The time to reach rock bottom is unpredictable and the cost might be too much to bear i.e. losing millions of shilling, losing you, bankrupcy and debt, mental health issues etc. Therefore the quitting has to be by force — hence I need a hand.
*The way you can give me a hand is by holding accountable for my finaces, I will keep an excel sheet of them recording every single coin — explain how I spent it* I will share mpesa statements periodically to double check, also I will give you logins to my betting platforms so that you can be checking if I bet or not. This will create a mental block in me to the habit. I will also have to include cash in hand in the excel sheet. I will have to be honest about everything not withholding information or getting a new simcard to bet again or going to over the counter bookies, betting through friends accounts etc.
I think I relapsed becuase I was struggling to make money that last quarter of 2023, and money needs were piling up, hence the what if thoughts of returning to betting were very tempting. I am in a worse place financally than that now.
I am making money now from PT, produce sales etc but I am not keeping anything because of betting, hence it is a problem — It got to the point where I withdrew cash from money markets to bet. It is bad. Nko hali mahututi with my financial management at this point.
I know how the finaces issue is sensitive — and is a factor in relationships. I just need to recover and go back to track — I was on track 2019–2023 hapo, not bad. I stopped saving when I lost my job in March last year and bad money habits have worsed since then I need to reset.
__ My confession
I need your help babe!
