LIGHTENING STRUCK THE SAME PLACE FOR THE 100TH TIME
It has happened again, the relapse and the quitting from one of my worst habits happened.
And like last time I am writing about it again,
And like last time the hope that I will eventually win something significant but eventually lost happened.
I have been on this stupor for nearly 6 weeks now. I have lost money that could have paid my rest for 2 months. About 150USD…
My current earnings per month now is less than this amount so from this perpective it is a very expensive bad habit.
Once again I have arrived at the moment of truth, the moment that I realize with every neuron, wholeheartedly that I cannot sustain it. It is sincere. The hope of winning is dead. The evidence to is too vivid, I cannot deny it anymore. I cannot stop myself from quitting, it has happened. And just like the last time the house won.
At this moment, I have clarity in my mind. A new chapter starts for me. 2024 hasn’t felt new to me, since I crossed over with this burden and others like it. It felt like a continuation of the same old. My year has started at this very moment…tonight I sleep a new man. Tomorrow I wake up a transformed man. A man with a new sense of where he is going. A visionary man.
When I talk to my girl tonight before I go to sleep, I won’t feel like I am hiding something, I will feel authentic. If she was near me I would look her in the eyes without wanting to face away out of shame, guilt and fear. Fear that she might see a smut in my eye, I will speak with a pure sound, no hiding, no fear that I say that I relapsed to betting that she want me to quit, then I would have to force it, then fail, then feel hightened guilt because of not living upto it. I feel relief, I feel unshackled. Being hooked on betting feeling like I am being possessed by an entity, a sort of demon. A demon from the bookmakers who wants to sap one’s resources till they are out in the streets. This demon gives one a feeling of scarcity about money, then offers the solution of sports betting as a cure, then hooks you to it. During times of loss tells you not to worry, you will win soon — a hundred fold the amount you’ve lost, it reminds you of so and so who won, the testimonies, then it totallu numbs you to the pain for losing resources; time, money and emotion. It pull all your focus to it. It places this habit on top of everything…then you are hooked totally. It is insane how irrational it turn me when I am hooked. I literally withdraw money from savings to play it…it is insane. The losses have encountered have been the awakener type ; ‘you aren’t meant to be doing this type’ losing to last minite equalizers…phew I am out!
Sports betting is such a bad habit because once it happens the player has to arrive at a point of no more hope to win, they have to arrive at a threshold and place is within himself. It might be hundred, thousands or millions of money and hours later. If this point is not arrived, he will not have quit, he would have just taken a break from it, and he will relapse when he is triggered sooner than later — it is a guarantee. It is not a habit that you can force out of oneself — it has to end of it’s own accord. It is only divine intervention that works here…
I think that’s what happened to me tonight. I pray it remains this way…I pray my disgust for sports betting boils in me for the rest of my life.
