LOST SOUL, HEART BROKEN, REGRETFUL MIND

I should have made it by now.

I am not going home again.

I gave her parts of myself she couldn’t reciprocate. It hurts now that we are broken up.

She is too successful for me. I don’t measure up.

I am too old.

She is too uneducated, promiscuous, old, young etc…for me. She doesn’t measure up.

I have the back injury which has placed a limit on things I can do.

I have belief in things that I cherished at a certain point.

I am too educated to do this job.

I am living way below my potential.

I am unsure if I will make it in life.

My version of making it is being financially successful.

What is enough of money for me? Enough to provide for ‘my family’.

I am yet to have a family.

I will not marry until I attain financial success.

He or she loves me.

He or she does not love me enough.

The world doesn’t owe you understanding.

I am spending too much time on the phone.

The last time I quit this bad habit, my life didn’t change that much so why quit again.

I want my life to change.

I should work a 9–5 since that is what the education system trained me to.

I should do my own businesses so as to retain my freedom.

Am I really free or a slave picking and choosing which type of slavery is better.

Marry by 30.

If you don’t have it figured out by 30 you will get stuck.

Meditate to attain some sense of equanimity and peace.

Go to swim to ease on you back pain.

I need to get paid for the role in the gym.

I need to quit that role if they don’t commit to paying me.

Heartaches from source A, B and C.

Confusion from source A, B and C.

Anxiety from situation A, B and C.

Almost 30 still doing maintenance and not creative work. Chores, chores.

Buy a cow.

Build home.

Living on savings, how long can I sustain this.

Follow up on that land title deed.

Make resolutions, not enough will power to follow through.

Compare myself, younger guys have buzzed quick past me and became successful.

Buy another motorbike.

If only you passed in campus.

If only you didn’t have bad habits A,B and C.

If only you were more organized / structured / visionary.

Be serious again.

May be if I date her I will have enough impetus to work harder.

Revealing my tumults from the past will be used against me.

I am not doing enough.

What was really the point of going for therapy.

What is the use of this ‘enlightenment’ that happened to me.

Did it slow me down?

What is the use of it, I am back to default settings. Why did it happen to me.

Don’t be too far away from home.

Too much school to little income from it.

Fear of this, fear of that…

Why do you still follow sport…and everything else that has nothing to do with you.

Listen to music, then watch a movie, self indulge, etc.

Track your phone usage.

Etc. Etc.

Theme that go on my head. I only take a break from them when I am deeply engaged in a certain endeavor, or in dreamless sleep.

My life at this point is sort of a trial and error, uncertainty filled, grasping at straws, coin flip, I hope it goes well, pray that nothing goes wrong phenomenon.

I don’t see a way out for now. The choices seem to difficult for my will power and even unpromising if pursued.

It seems that I am writing to feel a sigh of relief while remain exactly where I am 💔💘💔💘