May be I am totally missing the point

This day 2 of me living alone. I skipped going home for dinner so I have had to cook, I am having rice and ground nuts for supper. I wanted to cook ugali but I don’t have vegetables and I hate to clean the sufuria after cooking. May be tomorrow. I am so peaceful here, despite everything being disorganized. I spent all my July salary buying things I needed for this new place so I have been on a small fund raiser from my family for shopping. It worked, I got two of them to chip in. It allowed me to go to the market and get a few things to start off. Tomorrow, I will be going to the farmers market within the city to sell coconuts, that will be my whole Sunday from 9am. This is just for the record.

I went to play some basketball today, I had Kapil’s interview playing in the background as I was shooting the basketball — to drown this worry, fear, anxiety that sporadically comes up about my future. My mind just goes on the whole trip of worrying about things. I hate it because I can’t control it. It smacks me with feelings of unease, which sometimes paralyze me.

It tells me how badly I have burnt bridges or lack there of because of my disinterest in having friends. I tortures me about my current job but tells me that I am crazy for wanting to quit and pursue other things. It tells how much time on wasting on things that don’t matter. It compares me to to my peers, who have gained some success in the material world and tell me how far I am. It tells me that I am not disserving of intimate relationships with girls because of my level of achievements. Tells me that I am going to end up alone because of all the overthinking and philosophies I subscribe to about relationships. It tells me I am broke. It tells me I am average. It tell me I am on a downward trajectory, that I am all alone, all that…

The reason I say may be I am missing the point is because of the way my life happens. When I look closely, everything is always falling in place. I don’t see it enough because of such mind interruptions. Just the state being that I am on a day to day basis is something I am yet to find in people. The ease with which I slip into states of bliss, peace and calm is something else. These are not enough for the mind. It is always seeking more experience of this and that and always avoiding the experience of this and that.

To the mind, that which is not achieved through some form of ego, does not count. That which is already arrived at and had does not count. That which is not here is what counts. It dangles desire on itself and does the dog tail chase. It is crazy. May be I am shooting myself in the leg by writing such an article. Some deprecation of the mind to spark good feeling for being ‘honest’ with myself just to ensure the mind remains exactly where it is, where it wants me. Another calm before the inevitable storm. I have realized again and again there is no construct that I can adopt against the mind that the mind won’t soon create an antidote against. It almost enjoys doing this because the attempt is a new challenge to it. It is nuts.

The unconquered mind wears the hat of every front that it’s bearer poses themselves to take against it. It is the enemy within, that knows all your tricks. It sees you coming and laughs silently at all your efforts to curb it. It lets you have your 15 minutes of fame, and reasserts itself when you wear out and tire. It knows it has you. It knows your desires, your insecurities, your beliefs, biases, opinions, it has constructed your self image, it knows which buttons to push in you. How deeply the mind has the human being wrapped around its hand is not well understood, it does so and gives the human being the impression that is him that doing what he does, that decides…