ME TO NOBODY STATE OF AFFAIRS

I write this sitting in a poorly made bed, back resting on a folded duvet. My body is facing a TV hdmi connected to a laptop which I have been watching the whole morning. My space is disorganised, dishes in the sink, water in a bucket and some overripe avocados on the counter top etc…all these are reflective of how my life is recently and currently. It worries me to a degree that such a life/living condition is acceptable to me and at the same time I know it doesn’t worry me enough to clean the mess up. The motivation and discipline to do so lacks. I have left those tasks to the mercy of when I feel motivated to do it, when it doesn’t bother to do it and when I have no choice but to do it e.g. when I have a visitor over(which is rare).

I am not formally employed, for this reason I am mostly home spending time however I chose while people are at work. I work when everyone is home.

I lost faith in employment because I haven’t had much positive experiences in my whole 4 years of employment. I correlate employment by default to loss of freedom, anxiety, having to do things I don’t really want to, having a boss, having someone on the watch. Etc. My mind doesn’t see the possible ‘good’ side of employment. It has not seen it experiencially hence it is imaginary or theoric thinking only if it goes there.

I am 29 years now. The critic in my head constantly brings up such talk as; ‘how could you have not made it by now, after all those years of school, and being ‘well’ behaved and working hard etc’ it guilts and shame for having not amounted to much despite the investment of money, emotions and time made thus far.

It criticizes how I still am the way I am and still do what I do at this age. The same old bad habits and mannerisms. It compares me with where I ‘should be’ and where my peers are. I get this feeling of ‘why not me’ when I see people my age or younger driving. I feeling a certain droop and deminishment within myself especially if it’s someone I know and we’re at the ‘same’ level at a certain point in time. Is it a jealous, envious feeling? Regret? Doubt about the path I am on? It feels like the world is moving and I am stuck in one place.

As time moves, the fact that, every tick is a moment closer to death. It lingers in my mind all the time. It is not that I am chronically sick or suicidal. It is just there. Despite it being there, it has not produced an effect such as feeling a sense of urgency about things or reducing or considering thing such as wastage of time…