New Years Eve — Ache in my Heart

I feel an ache in my heart, it pervades the whole of my chest area.

This ache is from saddness bout how things, events, people, places and substances fail to give me sustained joy.

Yesterday night I attended a wedding ceremony and I danced till 3 a.m in the morning. I was 100% sober. One could imagine that such hapiness would sustain me even through the weekend. But alas! I am here feeling like this…I feel like shading tears. When I weep I get relieved…

I feel like this frequently because the things that I want to go well in my life are not.

Because of this everything else is a pacifier, pain relief…because the main ingredient to me is missing.

It is like missing genuine desire for each other in a romantic relationship, it doesn’t work.

It is like bandaging an internal bleeding.

I am not okay and I have not been in a long time.

The thing that I have called hapiness and peace and freedom is just that I have managed to get rid of most triggers to this non-peace that I have inside. This is not because I do not have peace inside but because of I am not on the path to thing that I really want, so every movement now feel to be toward the wrong direction. Something in me knows that the direction is not right hence it gives me such feelings to desist. The other side of me that wants me to be at relative peace now cause me to seek pleasure and string a series of them in order to be relatively peaceful. It puts me on a chase. I chase pleasure in gambling, in watching things like live socca, nba, highlights of sports, social media content, tiktok, money, conversing with people, sleep, sex, corn, even writing articles that are not sincere, criticizing, try to be part of a group, trying to please my guardians and family and people, trying not to conflict with anyone, being self critical, pitiful, angry and condemnatory, being nice, being apologetic, trying to be humble, try to fit it, just playing along with most things, engaging in politics and economy chats, gossip, certain conversations, and even trying to submit my life to God — deep down I know, justifying certain behaviours using thing such as, childhood experiences, being agreeable, hiding information that would possibly cause conflicts with my girlfriend, complaining, presenting a false image, shying away from touching on experiences that would possibly cause disapproval from society, telling or withholding information that I deem to be true, seeking approval, talking about people who ‘failed’ despited being bright in early school times, deeming people as infallable, sleeping at times, being scared to write how I truly feel and the darkest thoughts that go in my mind, odd pleasure of finding out that certain ‘successful’ people have such and such flaws, in convincing and battling my mind to accept that I am not as stressed as I am — and blaming my mind for causing me non peace, being victim or playing victim or absolving myself of blame — e.g. of doing a cause that I claim was not properly developed in campus, comparing myself with others, seeking to justify why certain things are the way the are to appeas myself, doing things just for money, seeking ‘full enlightement’ which I pretend to know to exist end my suffering, by entertaining thoughts of ending it all at times etc.

The thing that I say I need the most now is money…it makes sense because I do have not as much to be the certain way I want but I suspect that is not it. (1)

I heard someone say in the exploring to who someone really want to be, the answers that come first is not the answer but a masquerade…I know I want to say money, everything seems point to money it. An example is such as how I feel at times when I compare a peer or someone younger who has or I percieve to have a great career path, career success or financially doing well just from looking from outside, I feel like I failed because I ‘should’ be around that area too e.g. now I ride a motorcycle, I feel like I should be driving, right now I struggle with income but I feel like I shouldn’t have those struggles now, when I see a situation where I could have helped but due to my financial place now I couldn’t it bothers me — there is a close cousin who recently got an accident — she needed surgery to realign broken bones, I know it will cost alot but I am unable to contribute significantly now.

I took a break in writing this article I went to sleep — some of the rawness of the feeling have gone since then. I have to down my pen here since the deepest stuff isn’t coming out anymore…I write from emotion mostly…letter to self