On The Ropes

Despite everything I have to stay positive. However little to evidence to stay so is, I have to stay positive. The outcomes in my life have not been how I would love them to be, because for the past few months, I have been in a predominantly negative state of being.

The loss of my motorbike left me scarred and feeling victimized, as a result I stayed bitter and unforgiving, it has been nearly 8 months now. I still feel the pain but I decided to forgive the guy who did that.

Coupled with other things such as investing in a girl who ended up leaving, self indulgence in many ways, there was a disagreement at work with one of my bosses that I responded out of emotion and at times I feel it would have been better if I handled it differently, despite the fact that my concerns were correct. If I wasn’t emotional, I would probably have had a better selection of words. I am not bad for being emotional. It gives me flashes of regret somehow because it did not lead to the resolution of the problem I was presenting and it did not better the relationship I have with that boss of mine. I forgive myself for it, I am sure I will handle a situation like that better when it arises in future.

Living in a negative state for a long time has culminated in the effect that I feel now. Including recurrence of a back injury that had healed, relapse to P&M and sports trading. Living in a negative state for long has conditioned my body to negative emotions, in a day I feel more of how I do not want to feel than how I would love to feel. It has also led to too much attachment to money to the point where I feel controlled by it. It has also led to very dark patterns of thought and feelings, such as; abandonment, isolation, regret, blame, victimization, powerlessness, feeling like I am running out of time etc.

I am in the process of undoing that, first off is to realize that whatever negative outcomes I get now, are just but results of that negative momentum I have been on, and keep cultivating positivity by whatever means necessary to birth a new momentum.

I want to return to the place I once was and that I occasionally visit now — of continued positive outcomes, A leading to B, to C in an spontaneous, unpredictable and oddly satisfying sequence.

This is where I am.