Pull to Regression, The Understanding
I can feel war going on in my interior. It is tending towards relapse to an old habit. I don’t understand why these feelings still arise. In my head I feel they shouldn’t be no more. I believe they are the creations of my mind. How do I know this? Because it goes to the habit sometimes and awakens nostalgia and promises of satisfaction if I indulge. I am not yet fully immune to it’s assaults. It keeps laying traps. I know the whole sequence though. I am triggered, either I rush to indulge or resist for while, the pressure for release builds up and the cave in happens and after it all I only get temporary satisfaction. At times I am compelled to binge on it. The biggest hook is the moments where I tell myself that it was worth it. It almost seals my next indulgence.
Why do I not want to proceed with this habit. It messes up with the quality of my day to day existence. I feel not worthy towards certain things because of it. It makes me feel broken when I feel I cannot control it. I cannot afford to sustain living my life this way. It takes away more than it gives. I am older now, my time is running out. I feel like I waste my life when I indulge in it. Or the knowing that I am still caught in it. The trap here is to watch out for rewards, such as the worthiness towards certain things. It will probably lead me to where I started. Rewards if any are pleasant accidents.
The subtle trap I am caught in now is likely the one of doings ( both in the direction towards indulgence and aversion ). The mind has me this way. It has me doing something. Therefore I gets a say in the midst of those assignments. It knows that it will beat me, it rests that it has me. Why can’t the mind just move with me? Why does it have to pull me back in?
The only way I would be immune to the mind tendencies to pull me back in is if deep down I knew for sure that I wouldn’t fall for it’s suggestions no matter what. This way I wouldn’t even be bothered. It would rumble till it shuts up on it’s own. Like the run arounds of a dog off leash or conversations of strangers in the streets.
It is because somewhere within I still believe that the mind could somehow still trick me back in that I am bothered. That I feel I should do something about it, in a reactionary way. This reactivity is the crack that the mind gets leeway. It causes reactive fear, reactive confusion, a feeling of defeat, a feeling of being cornered. It corners me to a place where indulgence seems inevitable. This is what it does.