Purgatory

I feel like I have nothing to show for my university education. That I failed. That I didn’t become good at anything specific. I am just there. Boxed to my knees by mediocrity and being okay with being average and above average. It is unsatisfying. That my life is now headed in a direction of settling for the bare minimum, for survival. I have become very clever and sophisticated in my escapism. Such as building a following for my local gym and basketball court on Instagram for free and ignoring to settle my most immediate pressing issues. I can’t stand the boredom that is my life, so I fill it up with watching entertainment, listening to podcasts over and over, subscribing to romantic ideas, getting involved in conversation that do not lead anywhere. Willingly wasting time. Being disingenuous about really wanting to get anywhere. Pretending to want to get somewhere to justify staying exactly where I am.

Parroting ideas that I picked up somewhere to myself and others. Doing things in the name of ‘good for me’. Running is circles and grasping at the wind. Claiming insignificance of everything to justify staying where I am. The mind is one clever foe. Pointing out exceptions to say ‘see, it is not possible for me’ again to stay exactly where I am.

I am always pushed by the fear of losing my job, to work. So everyday I feel like I did good work, I get a break from myself. The attempts to impress my bosses. It is a life of internal conflict, turmoil, endless concern, doing the bare minimum and acceptance of failure. It is torturous. It is uninspiring. It gives no joy, only relief from anxiety and justifying my life with ‘see? I did my job, I worked hard’ hard work for hard works sake. — and not really arriving anywhere. I am an insane human being. That I accept such is the evidence. I write these self deprecative articles to dress up the fact that I haven’t addressed anything. To reduce the levels of discomfort of where I am to an acceptable level so that I can stay exactly where I am.

I have a looming confusion, fear, anxiety, worry, concern that no matter what I have done so far it still is there. It says; what if you studied to become a lawyer? may be your contribution to the world would be significant. And you could have a lot of money and therefore you could live in better conditions. The idea of better. I want to pursue things to do with the gym, because of interest I have in it. This is a narration of the threads of thoughts I that run in my head and subsequent feelings. They are written for purpose of a real self examination, not dressing up things and let me feel good…