Reaction, No Action Story

So, lets hurt my pride, lets deflate my ego. Or flipside lets give it a clever trick for it to stay exactly where it is. Let’s cut deeper to why I get inner reaction when I am called selfish or mean. I could easily escape with a ‘it’s normal justification’. Might it be true? If it is then there should be no resistance because it is as it is. If it is false there shouldn’t be a reaction either because it isn’t true.

My days of staying at home are coming to an end. I am a few weeks away from staying alone. In another story I could tale how this is ideal for my hermetic tending lifestyle but for now I can feel the avalanche of having to pay bills roaring from a far that staying at home has shielded me thus far. This time is just ripe for everyone it seems for me to move out. The truth doesn’t hide from me much, it has been eluded to me that I am mean with my resources, that I could give back more. The bills I took up are the entry level ones, the insignificant ones lets say. So it isn’t even noticeable when I tend to them. Or the little inputs I put in….

Cut the story short, I know what I am doing here. There is fragment of regret trying to express itself through this story. Which is pseudo. It is ego which cares about the possible bad taste in the mouths of my family that I am mean and selfish that it imagines it has left. It imagines that story being spread around amongst family and how that would hurt the perception of other family members about it. It says that I am a burden to my family and this is the reason for my being urged to move out. It cringes at the idea of these being true. Which they are actually, otherwise it they wouldn’t register upon mention.

So now what? Give back impulsively to try to salvage my self image? Wouldn’t the insincerity of that be obvious? Be apologetic? What would that do for anyone? Didn’t I do the best I could in that level of understanding I had at that time? Is it too late? The real center of these type of thoughts is need for assurance, validation and approval from family. To seek these is not wrong by any stretch of the imagination, it is just that if ones desire is for wild freedom, it would be ineffective to approach them in that manner. They would result in the opposite of wild freedom one so desires. I might have stated this truth too soon to justify the side of me wants me not being mean or selfish to be true. I could do a deeper dissection of these terms to see if they are really truth and in the process annihilate them and hence develop a further immunity from the possible truth that the mentioned are true. I mean the lengths the mind could go with it are plausible. What for? Self image really is a trap.

Boy oh boy, I am tripppppinnnnngggg!