Relearning Optimism

My day job ended about 6 weeks ago, I was fired on a Sunday afternoon. It hurt even though I was expecting it. I actually had it in my mind that February would be my last month in that company. I suffered from being in an absolutely deranged work environment because of the boss. Just the pettiness, the blame game, the focus on mistakes rather than what worked, micro management, treatment with suspicion, manipulation, time waste etc. had become the order of the day. I knew that I wouldn’t last long in the company because being a sensitive person, those conditions were just thwarting for me. Thinking back now may be I should have quit earlier for the sake of my mental health. It was mentally torturing. The reason that kept me in the job were just survival mode based — to pay bills, school fee, to eat, to prevent myself from being broke etc. But it did me more harm than in terms of how it impressed on my mind. I started to question my abilities negatively, started to have a lot of self doubt, I always live with the fear that the job would end soon.

The worst feeling was this state of being in a bad mood everyday. I rarely caught a break.

Where I am now, I am at less income level, but I have peace. I am learning how to stay positive — the point of reference being a time back when I was 24 year — I was one positive gentleman. I am trying to get rid of survival and bare minimum mentality which had been impressed in my mind the past 1 year or so. I decided to resort to a career in my long time passion which is fitness — as a Personal Trainer. When I sensed that I didn’t have a future in the company I decided to go back to school to get my fitness diploma. I has been great — I am performing well in school. I got fired just 2 months away from completing the course. I am already doing my internship at high end gym in my neighborhood. I am loving it.

The the horrid job environment and dismissal were a blessing in disguise, I learned that I can only attain freedom in my life by pursuing the things I am sincerely interested in ; by owning a craft, having it be a sellable piece of me. The selling of it being secondary, the primary being that I am actually doing something that I like. I don’t believe in sacrifice — i.e. doing things that I don’t like to attain a certain end, in a domain that does not belong to me/with me. What I do not mind is doing things that I ‘not like’ but let them be in my domain. It is worth it — I would even call them sacrifices but just doing what needs to be done period.

My pursuits in this life are down to 3 items — prosperity, health and peace. I want to be properous while doing things that I am genuinely interested in. This I win even when I ‘lose’. I despise the idea of exchanging my life for a job/or something I don’t like. It is an unworthy sacrifice. I want to thank myself in my deathbed for having pursued the things I was really interested in.

I think raising my children using income that I earn from doing things I am interested will bring me and my household way more satisfaction that the opposite. I really believe this in my heart of hearts.

As cliché and recycled as it may be, I have started to relearn being in a dominantly positive mind state. I started off with going for therapy then transitioned to listening to positive content on the internet — one has been listening Abraham Hicks talks. Practicing being in a constant receiving state.

What I have grasped so far is basically to focus on the things that I want and rather than the things I do not. — That the universe beings to solidity how we feel most of the time rather than what we say. That what we say can shape how we feel. Hence the need to be very watching about how we feel on a given day. Among other lessons. It is slowly sinking in — at times I am even irrationally positive.

So far so good. My life feels like a vacation now. Going swimming, and vision weekends. Gym on week days. My health is getting better. My mind state is in a way better place. I have started to be easy on myself. I meditate almost everyday. I feel good about the future for the first time in a while…

This is where I am at….