SELF TURMOIL , NO SELF
A break from self examination is one I rarely take — I am in constant debug mode as naval calls it. It is because I have not found sustainable peace that I long for. I am not yet ripe to imbibe some truths. A truth revealed a moment too soon is a truth missed. The mind will take it as intellectual knowledge or miss it all together for the truth can only be understood and imbibed when a human being ready.
I have been in inner turmoil the past two days , this type of inner turmoil is what consists my existence I notice. It got me admitting my flaws to myself in a private discourse to self and to a friend of mine who I suspect perceives me as some lower level guru. I got to the level of admission of my shortfalls — how lustful, selfish, envious, vice-ful, addicted, foul tongued, insecure, greedy, anxious,…etc I get. I keep experiencing these despite the bliss I feel. I got me feeling lied to especially by most spiritual literature I have read which say that when a human achieves bliss he no longer suffers — it is just not so in my experience. My turmoil have even become more vivid , I tread carefully so as not to trigger painful emotions in me because they get really painful.
I found a truth a I am not sure if I can imbibe totally. It goes like this ‘as long a human being exists as a self he is bound to suffer, be anxious, be doubtful and such shortfalls — the self can never be whole, it is sort of a fragment of the whole, to try to patch it up to make it whole is an attempt sure to fail because a human being is only whole when the self does not exist’. The reason I say I am not sure if can imbibe this truth totally is because ; the mind is liable to take such truth and turn it into intellectual knowledge and therefore diminish the transformational power of this truth. That’s how the mind hijacks truth. It turns it into an ideal, a rule, something to live up to hence becomes a chase. The Mind — what a cunning creature.
I found that I exist in two modalities , 1. as a self and 2. as no self . As a self I am a guy who goes to the gym, who is this tribe, who has these likes and dislikes, who has these ideals, who is anxious, who is this tall, who has this level of education, who speaks like this, who is attracted to these kind of women…the list is endless. The state of self image , the state of personality. Truth says that as long as I am this,…there not a single way out of my suffering and this is the state of ordinary man, the mediocre man, a man who knows not art.
The No self state is the state of the artist, of dreamless sleep, flow state, perfect nirvana, it is the state that I as a personality does not exist. In this state all issues that come with the self do not exist. It is perfect equanimity. This the state from which pure art flows , it is the state of human perfection. It is this state everyone slips in for a few seconds arguably during orgasm. It is the state of the sage, of a Christ of a Buddha of a Zoroaster. It is the state that human is inline with nature and acts out of pure unadulterated instinct, it is the state that every human being chases knowingly and unknowingly — so that he can take a break from his incessantly chattering mind and have a taste of peace. The holy grail of existence.
It is my only saving grace…namaste💐
