So Strange

Good news is I am free from anxiety, the other news is that I am experiencing the void left behind by the absence of anxiety. The last couple of days I have gambled online, looked at porn, over indulged in social media, sought women with benefits to sleep with — I have just been tooo horny lately ( I failed ). These things would make me feel anxiety especially after having done them, my experience now is that I don’t feel nothing at all, not the anxiety and not the dreadful thoughts. My be just an headache after scrolling for long, or a bit of energy drain after masturbating to porn or a slight sense of loss after losing my bets etc…there is no residue that lingers on. This is so strange to me because I have never had this kind of experience. It feels like the anxiety always kept me on check. On the look out. It set some kind of threshold which upon reaching it; whatever I was doing would be signaled to be enough. It is so strange. There is a silent wish to have the anxiety back. Crazy right?

I am so free, I am concerned that I might be ‘irresponsible’ with my life because of being unable to see consequences of certain actions. But hell, I am never going back. I prefer a million times to live this way than my previous anxiety ridden life. I believe having anxiety is being in hell. You become anxious, then become anxious about being anxious. Stomach always tight, ass tight, always uneasy, panic attacks, paranoia…just hell.

I am getting used to this. When everything stabilizes it is going to be awesome — or I don’t know what’s about to happen next. I might be speaking too soon, my experience has not given me much rest, I am bombarded with one realization after another. Every time I had a realization I would be excited an think; this is it — now it just seems to me that every realization is just the beginning.

I do not know why ‘the whatever forces’ chose to take me down this path. I do not have a way of knowing. I feel like soon I will have nothing left of me. I keep losing facets of myself every other time. Soon I will be left with zero. I guess it is the price to pay for the hidden gems of nature. The gems — peace, joy, bliss, equanimity…yes, such.

Such experience keep proving the truth that in deed every human being is alone. He might share external environment with people, but his internal is exclusively his alone…he will try to relay it through works of art but fellow humans will totally miss it or only catch glimpses at best.