Solitary Life
‘‘ Asceticism is Inevitable ’’ Kapil Gupta
I am a stage in life where I feel the pull towards getting a partner for the purpose of marriage and to have a family.
I don’t know the exact point of pressure pushing me towards that direction. It could be that I am growing older and ‘becoming of age’, or that my peers are marrying, or I am just lonely and want companion — this last point doesn’t hold much weight.
I also know that I can’t move towards that direction because I am in many ways unestablished, for this reason a lot of inner conflict arises within me. Deep down because I am unestablished I feel like I won’t be able to handle the situations that come with taking on relationship and marriage responsibilities. It will cause me more distress than ease.
Unestablished means incompetent in many ways, still having money problems ( unstable ), unclear about career path, etc. Do having these guarantee a good relationship? No. But it gets rid of most problems that the lack of them causes.
The few people I have dated have revealed things I cannot stomach and hence are non-negotiables for me. I would rather die alone, than compromise.
I also am aware that relationships create attachments, where there are attachments there is need, where there is neediness there are problems.
The culmination of these factors of non compromise on what I want, attachment, and my ill establishment logically suggests I should check out of the market place for some years and sort things out. Feeling unestablished being the biggest of them all. I can’t go to any relationship that way.
The reason for non compromise is that if I do, I will be resentful of myself or my partner in the future. My girl has to find me attractive and be attractive to me, non alcohol or ingestible substance taking, earning a living, care about her health, kind, honest(no mind games), doesn’t have a crazy sexual past ( threesomes, high body counts, orgies etc…), holds a positive outlook on marriage and relationship, wants to have kids, no feminist ideas, respectful…to say the least, these are the non-negotiables. I would rather die alone, than have them any other way. This kind of woman I know I can be with long term.
In the meantime, the most logical step to take is to check out from dating and sort out my issues. I hope my viscera obeys this logic, it often doesn’t. Lately, I have spent my resources — money, time and emotions only to find out what I do not want in a woman, which is the best way to get to the woman I want. The things I look for in a woman exclude majority of women especially now that I live in the city…this means that for every woman I meet, chances are that she is not the one. It will be a rare find. I will know when I do, no matter how long it takes or if doesn’t happen at all. I came up from dysfunctional beginnings. I don’t wish that for my kids…
