The Best It Will Get

When I look at my life, I notice a constant insecurity about not really measuring up. It is one of my background residing companions. It is constantly whispering to me about the things to avoid in order to avoid triggering the feeling it contains. It is constantly pinching me to ‘know my place’

to respect my boss because he knows more than I do,

to avoid dating that girl because she drives a car, or she has dated guys with more resources than you, she will be trouble — she won’t value and respect you.

She won’t downgrade her lifestyle or expectations for you. She will not appreciate the small budgeted gifts you will buy her.

She did law or nursing or whatever high-end course therefore you won’t measure up, don’t even try, she will be with you for a while and then look for people of her class.

If you make more money you will measure up, you will have something of value to give.

Remember how smart you were in high school? Why did you become average in campus, you could have been a big man now…you could have this money you wish you have now.

You could have done this, you should have done that, why did you do that, why. why….

If only you were a little bit more confident, if only you had a healthy back, if only you solidified you belief in Christ, if only you had this and that

If only she did not have this red flag, if only she checked at least 10 of your 30 list of requirements…

And on and on…

This is the devil that resides somewhere in my mind, it knows exactly when to say them and to evoke just the feeling(s) to make me succumb to it.

It now tries to bait me in to doings so as to stop it from poking it’s ideas at me

Ok, be positive.

Ok, at least you are aware, just be more aware and you will be okay.

Ok, stop comparing yourself with others.

Ok, just put the past behind you.

Ok, just do x,y,z when the feeling arises.

Ok, just remember that happiness is a choice.

Ok, read this self help book about that topic.

Ok, just keep you focus on other things.

Ok, it is a spiritual problem just do this spiritual thing.

Ok, it is normal to feel like that, just know you are not alone.

Ok, don’t worry one day you will get over it, time heals everything.

Ok, …

When I fall for the prescription, it rests in the background knowing it still has another day to make it’s pronouncements.

It rests knowing it has me playing by it’s book, and made it’s hooks imperceptible, puppeteering subtle.

This is just the way it is, no recommendations…