The Error

Today I have come upon a realization which has taken me quite a while to arrive at. The realization of the error of claiming to be or to have attained enlightenment. Yes, I do claim in my mind to have attained enlightenment or nirvana or Buddhahood — I even go ahead and be specific about it, that it is not an attainment per se but something that happened to me.

The purpose of this writing is not to deny those claims but to acknowledge how these proclamations have had a negative impact on me.

This is because of how the mind takes the proclamation to be that it has attained something. The taking of it this way produces make belief positive emotions because the mind likes to view itself as the guy who has attained nirvana — the self image of it, and because of that, it aggrandizes it, it imposes or injects manufactured qualities to the ‘enlightenment’ — it easily picks them from writings and talks or gurus and spiritualists and everywhere else. SO in the place of realization or nirvana, the mind manufactures a self image of the enlightened person, it creates a personality facet out of it.

In the domain of spirituality, which I have come to realize is largely a farce, enlightenment is portrayed to be the ultimate of human attainment, to be the end of suffering, to be the arrival of some sort of equilibrium state, the end of insecurities etc.. In my experience, it seems to be that I don’t really know what enlightenment is — [ which is quite true, there is not a definitive place or object called enlightenment, such as a chair, but what I know the term refers to in the ‘spiritual’ context is the descriptive elements of it and not thing itself ] because I would embody the claims of unending peace, egolessness and equanimity etc. but it seems not to be the case. It is either I don’t know what enlightenment is, or I fell for a false idea called ‘enlightenment’ because;

I still am anxious.

I still have a very tumultuous inner experience.

I still have non-peace .

I still am addicted to certain things.

…there seem to be not much that has changed about me, may be just the belief that I have changed but in reality I am still the same. My problems are the same, some have even gotten worse. The proclamation to have attained enlightenment or if what I think happened to me is enlightenment has not solved these problems for me. So both these ways of looking at it have no practical value to me. They have done more perpetuation of my problems than solve them. This is the realization that I have come to. There is no value whatsoever in claiming or thinking myself to be enlightened, it is just another hat among many others. It does not answer the ‘what has it done for you?’ question.

Yes, I feel the high of the ‘bliss’ that came because of what happened.

Yes, I feel these sensations at the top of my head and on my forehead, which I have described in an article sometime back to feel as though there is something oozing out of me, like there is some pressure on my forehead.

Yes, I have slipped into thoughtlessness or emptiness or mindlessness a few times.

Yes, my experiences match what enlightenment is claimed to be by the spiritual books and gurus etc…

And, a hundred other descriptive elements.

What is significant here is not that I have these experiences, what is significant is that despite them, I still have problems, they haven’t done anything for me. I am still dissatisfied with my life, I still feel lonely, I still feel I have to make more money and attain some sort of accolades to measure up, I am still insecure about how I look, I am still awash with confusion, I am still unclear about what I want in life… the list goes on and on…

I would trade all these experiences for having all my problems solved. I would rather this thing had not happened to me but my problems got solved. I don’t really see the utility of it. If enlightenment was meant to be useful to somebody then I must be missing out on the benefits. ( If at all this is enlightenment ).

I could argue that nirvana is a domain outside of thought — of the mind; that mind is a different domain, I don’t know how to make that distinction, where do I draw the line?

I would exchange this thing which my mind calls enlightenment for the thing, the realization that would solve all my problem once and for all. I feel like it is wasted on me, if at all this ‘thing’ is meant to be of value or to provide value I don’t really see it, I would rather have an end to all my problems instead of it.

“…you have not attained what you think you have attained. ” Kapil Gupta