The Girl I Want Vs. Me
Where do I start?
There is this girl I want, not just for the short term pleasure but for long term —build a home, marriage, wife, kids…all of it; but when I look at myself versus her, it all seems like wishful thinking. So I feel a lot of frustration because I don’t see how she could want to be with me. I don’t see it. It is even more frustrating when I think of the fact that even if she accepts to be with me I am unlikely to sustain the relationship. I am some mess at this point in my life…and I don’t know if I can clean myself up quick enough to catch up.
This girl has almost everything I want in a girl from what I know so far. Not promiscuous, beautiful, attractive, non alcohol or drug taking, religious( God-Jesus loving type), shorter than me, has shown genuine interest in me, supportive, respects what I do for work and stuff, can cook, focused with her work, seems nurturing and respectful, good family background, no tattoos and too much piercings, not subscribed to feminism, not foul mouthed, similar interests ( soccer/sports loving), can hold a conversation…all that.
When I look at my short comings I think I am just way out of the ball park, my good qualities are height, fitness, not so bad looking — a 6/10, average at communication, not promiscuous, etc. but flipside of not being financially established, not career successful, not having much ambition and drive to succeed, struggling with bad habits a, b and c. When I compare myself to where she is economically and where I am, It is sort of day and night difference phenomenon. I don’t know where we meet. A distance that I might never catch up. This is where the whole idea recedes to wishful thinking.
How I judge myself in relationships is by my ability to provide, I do not feel useful to a woman who can provide entirely for herself because I feel like I have nothing to give or that what I give doesn’t or isn’t appreciated because if she wanted, she could go and get it herself. The idea also that women do not date down has infiltrated my mind and it happens to be the case in this situation. The girl is a first born in her family, I am a last born, older than me ( by a few months but still older ), she makes more money than me — has a more lucrative career than me, more organized, more ambitious, more goal oriented, etc. She beats me square in the places that matter from my own way of looking; only places where I ‘measure up’ are my physical qualities and a bit of personality of which lose meaning very quickly, I even think they’ve lost meaning by now.
I am not okay with just being friends with any girl I have had romantic aspirations with, even slightly. Quitting my pursuits of her seems to be the next logical step but something in me still holds some hope of, may be. May be is not good enough though, but it is there.
The only way a girl like her would be with a guy like me and respect me genuinely is if she is God’s sent or has serous issues or ulterior motives. I don’t know…
