THE Greatest Desire Wins!

A self farmiliar question ‘ Why do I still keep doing this?’ This thing X, despite knowing the harm of it or the risk it poses.

A not so common question that tests my sincerity in asking this question is ‘Do I really want to find out?’. Isn’t it just another attempt to quell my guilt, or the potential negative feelings and outcome of engagement in those doings. Pretend to want to know that you want to know to give one’s mind and that of others the impression that you are really seeking solutions, this way they let you off the hook, once they do leave ‘the journey’ mid point and stick around till the next episode.

This is the case for me, now. I am not sincere in my quests to want to quit watching and get it off to corn and sports betting, my long time bad habits. Even me referring them this way has a quiet romaticisation to it, ‘Everybody is addicted to something’ — type. When I pray, I pray to have a sincere desire to want to quit this habits for real, that way once I quit, I quit with no withdrawal symptoms, no struggle. It has happened before it can last for months before I fall back, it is worth it everytime it happens because it is mostly effortless, the use of personal will and discipline play a very small role. I am not sure what it takes to cultivate that genuine desire. If there is a price to pay — I hope it does not cost me a leg. Hope is also another unsatisfying premise but that a story for another day.

The risks of these two habits as it stands now is the loss of money, I am literally using money that isn’t mine to bet right now also bad relationship with my girlfried who does really support this habit, she might understand it but doesn’t support. I am kind of hiding the extent of the habit from her for now, I throw hints in conversations at time with hope of getting engagement about it, but it hasn’t worked yet. There is a time I could use her among other reasons to stop betting but it doesn’t hold anymore. At a certain point the mind grew immune to it, hence that methid fail, methods will always fail for this type of behaviours. Hence it goes back to my point of having seriousness or a genuine desire to want to quit. I don’t know where I can get the desire from, I wish I could have it. No external influence will be enough to keep it away for long as personal evidence has proved so far. This statement does not constitute me giving too much power to these habits.

For corn, the risk is loss of certain amount of intimacy with my girl. I have noticed this in the past, and even now. I long for and enjoy sex more after a long period of abstinence from corn and m’bation than not. It kinda changes who I am also, I become a certain way with myself that I don’t really like totally or to the extent I’d prefer to like myself. When I am under the influence of these two habits I deep down know that I know my best self, like right now I am not my best self. Concerns like, ‘If my girl knew what I am on right now, she would stop loving me or love me less’ start to arise. I really like this girl, I have mentioned her too many times here. It is true though.

How would genuine desire to stop these two habits look like?

It would by itself be the non methodical means to the end of the end of these desires.

It is not habit + employ a method to quit = quit ( there is overlayment)

It is habit, sincere desire to quit arises = natural movement away from habit ) ( There is ‘I just don’t want it anymore’ or ‘ If I proceed, I proceed in a forceful way, I am forcing myself to keep at it’ ‘There is an element of my heart not being in it, of it being ultimately looking from inner me, unsustainable’.

Spontenious quitting, reasons to quit are secondary e.g. for my relationship, for financial health etc. but just because it lost appeal or something of sort…?

That’s what genuine desire looks like, it just creates it’s own path.

It is the first tool one needs to have and the predictor of the hights one is going to go to personally in anything. The level of their innate desire.

The greater desire always wins!

This is me, I don’t know where the desire or even disgust or something that will repulse me so much that I can’t go back.

t-minus that day. Without hoping for it.