The length of my writings are just a glimpse of how much my mind chatters. I am try to locate the source, the causal point of these chattering so that I can finally rest. It always begins from a desire, or repulsion of some kind. Then that becomes the license of the mind to go talk and talk and imagine as many scenarios as it can get to, automatically. It cares very little about whatever the occasion I am in, it just goes. It never stops either until the desire or the aversion is fulfilled (this is temporary) or the source is seen (this leans in the side of permanence).
My life recently has been one of oscillation between desires that circle mainly around money and women and despair that arises from them perceived to be far out of reach. These things are destructive mainly because they greatly poison the quality of my moment to moment experience. It is like am being tossed back and forth on a cranky swing. The ideal situation is peace and bliss which currently are not too far from my reach, they are just there accessible at will but somehow the mind has me convinced that these are not enough that there is something out there with greater pleasure or capacity to fulfill me.
It says, if I could only earn a tone of money I could reach it. What a promise? I understand theoretically that this is an empty promise, but still the desire to chase is still there. I examine personal experience and I kinda see it but it seems like it is not clear enough for me to imbibe it fully. I will continue to do so, I have not a choice, sooner or later I always come to a point of examining everything that goes on in my life. I cannot escape it, otherwise a feeling of restlessness and discontent will remain is the background. It have no peace until I see and resolve it.
I have apologized to people for things I did or said 3,4 yrs ago. I still have things to seek pardon for. These thing keep my heart frozen, beating off rhythm. I have the same attitude towards people who wronged me too, if I get a chance I address it with them. There are some which I am forced to resolve on my own.
In some depth of me, there is the desire for purity. Of freedom from all chains. I have learned overtime that in the midst of all turmoil and asking euphemistic questions and chasing escapes in the place of the real thing there is something in me that sees what I am really seeking and it gives it, and when it does I immediately know that this is the actual thing I was looking for in all the murkiness of my attempts. May be I am not far off from this because I wouldn’t call anything else but ‘murky’ the place that I am currently in.
////this writing is inspired by Kapil Gupta’s work…pieces of it’s vocabulary are borrow from his work…
