The Only Thing I Lacked was Peace — And I Still lack it
I have been a tortured man most of my life. One pain after another, scars from childhood traumas. Pain-pleasure episodes as a young adult. The issue is not that there has been suffering all these years. The issue is that it hasn’t seemed to stop, it has become worse than better as I have grown older.
This has led me to seek peace. I wrote in this article about a month ago describing my deplorable inner state in terms of peace. I have attained bliss but not peace in my life — at least till recently. The bliss came to me, and it has never left since it came. It has deepened. My entire days are lived in bliss. Sometimes so intense that I am almost unable to function. The thing I have not had is peace. Abiding peace. I am always in constant turmoil, hope and despair. Always suffering the assaults of my own mind.
The way some ‘realized’ beings describe bliss, one might think it is the end of suffering but in my case it has not been. It has felt more like the beginning point of my liberation than the end. The beginning of The Great Journey within.
I finally found a sweet spot of peace within myself, it is not a first time realization, it is just forgetfulness that has kept me away from it. I can say that I have found the location within which unspeakable peace emanates. The most freeing thing is that I know it is there, anytime. If I go there now, I will find it. If I go tomorrow morning and I will find it. Just somewhere beyond my mind chatter. I have learned a particular way of stillness that invites it — when it comes it washes me all over. It feels as if I am floating.
If you knew you had a million in the bank guaranteed, would you feel like anything is at stake if you were to risk pocket change in anything? Now I can play around with my happiness, I can risk it, because I have the key to the storehouse of peace. It is just there.
The thing I have looked for the most, I have always had. I sought it in trying to make circumstances favorable — to have my boss ‘like’ me, in the need to be successful, the yearning for a partner, the need to accumulate resources etc. but I have always had it.
I feel free, I do not have to suffer anxiety anymore. The anxiety that makes my knees weak, my chest ache and my stomach tight. I do not have to be trapped in that feeling anymore. I no longer have to live in fear. I have found a way out ; I am free…
May be one day, when I know how — I can invite you to come with me to this place where everything is settled. Where peace is the undercurrent and all turmoil is just but a passing cloud that leaves no trace behind…
🌹💐🌷🥀🪷🌺🌸🌼🌻💮
Thank You Kapil Gupta your work has been instrumental in my Journey.
