The Relapse after 6 Months
I had quit PMO for the last 6 months straight after a long fight of trying and failing. I am back in the mud again, I don’t feel miserable but I am concerned. I used to fill up my free time with sleep, TV/movies/YT, and social media, now it is those plus the sites — this is my immediate concern, my other concern is that being on PMO will change who I am — personality wise, I believe for the worse not better, I’m staying put to see how it plays out. At least this time I can compare the experiences — The PMO me vs the non-PMO me.
It has been quite an experience being free from PMO for that duration. I had better sex, I was too horny when I missed sex for at least three weeks. I experienced a relationship that I was pure in it — I didn’t indulge at all. This was my first time. In all my relationships, I have always had PMO with me.
I attribute quitting for those 6 months to a higher power and not myself — my discipline and willpower. I know for sure that I cannot keep this habit away by just my own will, it has proved too strong too many times. I don’t know if I ran out of that grace recently and hence relapsed — my mind rings of a decision I made to quit going back to church some weeks ago, could this be a factor? I don’t know. There has also been some effort to push me away from ‘God’ recently — could this be a factor? I am not sure.
It’s been two days since I relapsed. It all started with my girl leaving, so I have been sex-starved for about a month. This week on Tuesday I found myself signing up once again on Tinder and some other dating site called Jolly — I signed up and posted the most attractive photos of myself to try and get laid, but it didn’t work. There was also this desire to share photos of my Johnson with the ladies I was chatting with but it didn’t happen either. I was very horny this whole time. I tried also calling up an old girl I used to kick it with to come to my house but I couldn’t pull it off. She could tell that I was just reaching out for a ‘booty call’ — I was too horny to hide — it felt like I was possessed by something. I was restless, and out of focus — I couldn’t get myself to study despite it being an exam week.
There is a girl I recently met also, I didn’t want to push for sex so I avoided those conversations with her. So it became me vs this extreme horniness I felt vs the online sex content. If there was a time the devil could tempt me was now, I am a bit distant from God belief-wise, the regular sex I have been getting is no more, and all online and offline attempts to get a girl to come — fruitless, still horny like a dwarf giraffe, so what next? Online. Someone mentioned a live xx site called strip chat. I found myself searching for it, and soon I was back in the mud. I was able to release — and managed to focus on my studies.
This was just the first piece of the domino fall, now I am in the phase of the domino effect, and any attempts to quit now will fail because the dominos are still falling. I don’t know how long it’s gonna take but I pray for the grace to come out of it once again. It is said that when you let the demon in once again he comes with 7 more. It is going to be a bigger fight than last time. I pray that the genuine desire to quit grows once again in my heart because with this it will be possible for me to overcome once again.
Today I have spent nearly 2 hours on it alone. I do not want to be spending this kind of time on such frivolousness. I pray for a way out once again….
