The Semi Addict in Me! — Why Should I Stop?

I am not stuck, I don’t feel like I am, atleast recently, for a couple of weeks now.
So where does the question come from? Why did it arise? Who is the semi addict in me?
Semi addict because the habit in question isn’t too severe and frequent according ‘my self diagnosis’ to qualify as a full addiction. It is my own palatable estimation.

I keep indulging because I want the habit to stop of it’s own acccord, i.e. when the conditions for it are ripe — this is after months of realizing that use of willpower and discipline and such imposeful and forceful ways haven’t worked. It incites the desire to indulge even more. The problem with this approach is that I don’t when the ripe conditions will arise. What if the don’t? What if I cannot bear the cost it takes for the ripeness to arrive. What if it’s too little too late when it arrives? What if the part of the mind that hobors this desire is using this approach as a buffer to keep indulging in the meantime. I am not really sure.

A thing I know is if something including quitting a bad habit is not done sincerely, genuinely, from the heart, seriously, or as a thing or action of enough personal necessity then it is bound to fail even before it begins. It will bring a baggage of problems immediately it is implemented since there will be alot inner resistance to it. There will be a keeping of scorecard, there will be ulterior motive, there will be a looking out to the horizon for the magic and benefits of quitting, in this state the desire to indulge will always be boiling and a backslide to indulgence in a whisker away. It must be.

The how to’s we employ will sooner or later lose their effectiveness since the mind will become immune to them, or soon a new situation comes up that the how to cannot cater for — it always does. On this path a new method will need to be invented every other few days or weeks to sustain the quitting state. Why they don’t work? Work means the problem is cured once and for all, no osscilations, no managing it, no reducing the amount of time indulding in it...straight up once and for all cure. A sage said that the reason this approach does not bring cure is because the foundation of it is untrue, the foundation of prescriptions, of; if you do this then this will happen, of just practice this and that, of should, of morality, of selfd condemnation, guilt and shame, of societal expectation etc. The domain of mind and emotion and things that are unlinear in nature prove them approaches in effectual. I have seen this in the lifetime of this habit first hand. I have also witness the otherside of self sustaining changes happening in my life, that still stand till date and I don’t feel like I work hard to maintain them, the just keep on…

Only thing that works in this domain is truth — not using truth as method to quit but truth for it’s own sake and letting the truth produce the change or tranformation of it’s own accord, what works is genuiness, is rawness, is understanding. What is put down is an extrapolation of siddha performance work to my life situation. In this case if were to look for the truth or understanding I would be looking for them a way to use them to quit this habit, at this point I am sort left with no real choices but to indulge. Attempts to quit are rarely sincere…and even within this line of thinking exists mind games and hidden mind scaffholding that tie me to the habit.

Why dooes the question as to ‘why should I stop’ arise. The ‘should’ there indicates that if I were to stop now, it would be through a forceful means. It would be more of a pause than a stop. A stop suggests a cure.

The question looks at all the reasons that logically suggest that I quit but despite them the indulgence still persists. It is begging to be given a greater reason or new reason why to stop because all the current reasons have not been or are not enough to cause a stop. A total stop not just a mechanical one or a pause. There is no strong inspiration, or whatever reason or something, anything of enough strength or whatever metric or no metric at all that has caused me to stop.

Logic also suggests that I should eat animal protein because it is more bio-available and it is better quality but I am still plant based. These say that humans or I do not do things based on logic, but out of seeking to feel a certain way, or not to feel a certain way, this can combine with logic but it seems the emotional part comes first. The habit in question makes me feel a certain way that I like, the feeling is very unique. I cannot liken it to anything else, it is so unique to the habit. I have never really admitted this to myself this way. It feels good and is readility available, if the feeling was to be removed from the habit there would be no reason for me to indulge, but the feeling is so strong and different. It feels like an alterted state, it takes me to another place. The pursuit of this feeling trumps all other logical reasons that say I should, ought to, must stop.

The alternative place to obtain this feeling is not readily available, it requires a,b and c and it doen’t guarantee the level of momentary satisfaction that this habit does, there is even a chance of dissapointment in the alternative.

May be I do not even really want to quit — may be what I really want is to keep indulging in this habit and not be bothered, I want to freely indulge in it. The idea of quitting seems largely to come from external sources, what I read, hear, see and the residue of that that keeps whirling in my mind.

This seem to be the most honest and sincere take of the place I am at right now.