This Aloneness

…yesterday I checked my phone conversations and reach outs and I realized that if it wasn’t me reaching out or them wanting something from me, there would be no conversation. I realized I am alone, that I have been alone for quite sometime now. This does not mean I am lonely, but I realize I am so alone.

I recently lost my motorcycle to a dishonest rider, and I couldn’t get useful help from anyone apart from a sorry and pats on the back. I am left with only God. The friends direct me to private investigators and police but they both want money to help to investigate.

The way I feel, the things I eat, my preferred use of social media, what I do for work, my beliefs, etc…set me to be a loner. I am very sensitive so I cannot accommodate drama and mind games of relationships. I don’t drink or use exogenous substances so I can’t socialize around those things . I am purely plant based also which sets me aside in a way. I live in a constant state of ‘samadhi’ or bliss, I have not met anyone who lives in that state, they just somewhat can describe it intellectually, so I am alone in that sense.

This aloneness is growing more and more deeper, the worldly pursuits that normally form points of interaction are losing grip on me on a fervent pace. An hermetic existence seems inevitable for me.

At some point I had been so alone that I felt the need to be more societal and conform a bit to keep me with people, so I started going to church, and refrained from being inquisitive about certain societal things and also being rebellious. I still realize that I am alone. Especially in ‘samadhi’; apart from online, I am yet to find a human being who lives like that everyday of their lives. Even if I find them would it change the fact that I am alone? I am not convinced, but I know for sure that we will be having conversations at similar levels of understanding.

What I know for sure is this aloneness is not in vain. Everyday I feel more and more open to otherworldly experiences that a ‘societal human’ has no chance to experience…..( this paragraph is derived and paraphrased from Kapil Gupta’s writings )