Uducated and Unemployed. Catching Me By Surprise…
Years gone feel like a dream, the buddhist says the past and future aren’t real but they feel real to me. They say the present is all that exists hence the only reality but I rarely manage to live in it. Translation I live in or as my mind so much that I don’t see it, I don’t live it. It is an idea, that floats around in my mind, when I meditate which is rarely I catch a glipse of ‘the moment’ if I do then it barely lingers on.
The overwhelming thoughts in my mind circle around regets associated with wastage of time, despite this admission efforts to better utelise it don’t hold long, I am conditioned to waste time to the nth, it is only a narrow core of me that isn’t and not very easy to reach. It has been 6 years since I graduated from campus with a degree, all that time feel like a finger snap. This is exactly how I am going to find myself at the end of my life. All the years I will live will feel exactly like that when I look back.
My mind or I have thoughts that circle around my past years being the better ones, then shifts to now being not so bad, I say it is because I have chosen to walk on ‘my path’, the things that I am interested in. The years pass and feel more unemployable. Part of me cannot stand the idea of having a boss, of being asked to jump this and the other hoop etc. Another part of me feel like if I could have stuck to the program may be I cpuld be well of financially. I am in a way way better state now because I am close to my monthly financial goal, when I think about it, I feel relief and a sense of appreciation, I never saw it getting here. The path ahead was so murkly I couldn’t see it.
I am always in the pursuits of many things at once centerpiece being freedom, peace, relationship and prosperity. I say to myself that I want to achieve all the above without selling my soul, moving in freedom, without bending over backwards, I do not believe that freedom comes later. It is had now or not and never.
Feelings in my stomach, arms, legs and chest etc arise sometimes. Anxiety fear, restlessness but they are far apart now. My biggest fear now is that my girlfriend stops loving me, I will feel it very early if she does, it is because she loves me that make being with her possible, without that I can’t. God forbids she leaves, or stops loving me, I do not know if I will survive, — no I don’t want to live through that pain. I might not able to bear it. The things that threathen my connection with her are my biggest fears, she doesn’t know this enough, the fact that she loves me and cares is my assurance to go on with her. I will be a wreck if she stops. Help me God. I might not bear it. When I get the sense that she doesn’t care or she doesn’t like something that I said etc, it shakes me to the core. I want to prevent anything that would jeopardize the union. Has she become my god? I feel I am dangerously attached. The implications of the opposite is something I might not bear. No, no. I can’t happen.
I stopped mid work to write this article. I sometimes have to pinch myself to see that I am getting old now, my youth is slowing weaning off. I have lost belief in so many things, some that I held closely just few years ago. I am sort of just here busy-body-ing and stopping to sleep. I don’t know who I am. I am just here….
