UNSERIOUS

I have been on a pathetic down spiral the last few days. I have reached out to every girl that showed the slightest interest in me in my phonebook with the hopes of getting at least one of them out of their panties. I mean, what the hell. What is becoming of me. I don’t know. I feel that I am being so irresponsible with my life right now — and there is an element of care freeness about it that ordinarily would make me even more worried but I am not. This paragraph is sheath with many tenets from corners of society. Am I stating this to justify proceeding down this path guiltless? I can be so clever…

The fact that I even lifted a finger about these thoughts and intentions speak volumes about my unseriousness. I could be clever and regurgitate a truth such as — the greater desire always wins — and remain stuck in this predicament. These things are miles off from the direction I want to take in life. The only saving grace for now is that all of them have been dead ends, the other parties seem to sniff my intentions right at the door. Why is he calling now? There is suspicion. When I look closely, even just breaking past their mental barriers is too much work. A lot of negotiated desire, such do not move a human being.

I am writing this to try and stop the momentum of this whole thing before things get out of hand. I might fail. If the examinations get surgical enough I will have some kind of seeing that will end all these chases.

I might get even more cunning and stop my pursuits of the women in my past and groom new ones. I doubt if it will go far because of how time and money intensive it will be. I have sulked myself up with the pseudo reason that it is because I do not have plenty disposable income to afford the lifestyle in this direction. The purchase of pleasure. There’s some truth in this, I have had two ladies tell me that women in the city care about money the most. I act surprised but I know for sure if I was a lady I would care about that too. Money can solve many problems. It can cause some too.

I also speculate that the not working out of these attempts is the universe protecting me for a ‘higher purpose’. This is just more jargon picked up from spiritual and self help shelves. Everywhere is a dead end…I long for the realization of the truth in this before shii hits the fan…