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Everything all at once, an avalanche. What’s been crossing my mind lately. That I am caught up in a 1 step forward and 3 steps backwards game. The level of my sincerity and seriousness is still lacking, not that there is anything I should do about it. Questioning the fact that 99.9% of what I think, speak, write are borrowed. I could fit it into my own context to tell my story. Using writing to justify myself, self deprecate, feel good, lie to myself. Bringing things to the surface for examination. Chips fall where they may.

I faltered on the transformation that I was keeping a day count on. I am where I was but slightly better, I idealized it, tried to hold on and hence lost it. I have realized the trick of playing a victim so that I can act guilt free. The behavior is the level of effect and changing anything at this level is too late. My mind making antidote to any effort I put forth in the line of will power and self discipline.

My interest of selling people bliss, spiritual concepts, and self help philosophy is dried up. I know better. The feel good stuff and cosmetics haven’t done anything for me. The illusion of progress and in the mean time staying exactly where I am.

The belief that I am not free as is. That I need to find my craft to be free. Being tossed back and forth from one relationships and red pill philosophy guru. Reducing down my manhood down to the accumulation of things and jumping hoops. Correct prediction that Kenya would win 800M Gold also, Andre De Grasse in 200M.

Postponing the day that I move out of home by a day everyday despite already having paid my rent. Imagining all demons I will move with. I will have to take care of my self, not a very attractive proposition. Thinking about getting a wife, how much money I need to make per month to raise a family in the city.
Very many threads running….