What Do I Really Have? What Does a Human Being Really Have?

I write this article in the midst of anxiety of hitting a deadline. The pressure cooker from across my bed is making hissing noises. I have disorganized clothes heaped up on a chair, beside it to the right is an old briefcase with shoes on it; some clean some dirty. To the left there is a black table with a mix of things, beside it are utensils; some dirty, some clean. Laying on a lazily made bed, everything is untucked. The door to my single room is open, it is all metallic like the one of a warehouse.

This is sort of how my life is on a daily, chaos and order, but mostly chaos — especially lately.

I was rushing to go get groceries I forgot to pick, the whole time I felt a huge wave of anxiety in my chest area. It is a feeling that is always lingering. At that moment I realized that I do not have peace. The the question came up; What do I really have? What does a human being really have?

I feel a concoction of emotions in my chest area, if I can detail the shreds of it — I could say there is fear, guilt, worry, anxiety, confusion, there is regret, there is doubt, there is shame, there is insecurity, there is the feeling of lack, there is a feeling of being defeated, there is disappointment, there is conflict. These feelings keep on changing faces. And I feel them within me so intensely. It is like acid corroding me from the inside. This is what is in me even as I write this. This implies that I do not have peace. I lack the thing worth having, I possess the things that I would rather never have.

Anxiety about my job, insecurities about not measuring up, fear that I might lose my job or my family, guilt about what I did to that girl that I was in a relationship with; what I said, regret that I could have done things this way as opposed to the way it happened, worry about the future, will I find a wife, are relationships worth pursuing? Does my boss dislike me? Why does she seem so confrontational, how do I win her favor? Can I really win her favor? Etc…

Despite the bliss that I feel everyday, even as I write this, I do not have peace. I am not at peace, I have not attained true peace. I am always an event away from turmoil, my life feels like a walk on a tight rope, the tiptoes of land mines. I do not have true and lasting peace; and because of this my heart aches, it aches for long. Because of this, my mind continues to pull me in to the state of non peace, through the cycles of pleasures and pains. Through the domains of one empty box after another. Through chases but never finding.

What would peace feel like? It will feel as the absence of what I am feeling now. It will feel like truly responding to my boss without fear or intimidation. It will feel like no insecurity. It will feel like no feelings of lack or not measuring up. It would feel like not having the need to be liked or assured or patted on the back, It would feel like all guilt, worry, concern, anxiety, turmoil erased for good. Once an for all. That is what it would feel like. Looking from this place I am writing now, that destination seems like a distant shore. It seems that it cannot be had. It seems like a theoretical place.

The sad thing is that when I finish writing this article I will find relief but not peace itself. When I beat the deadline, and I produce results — no matter out of this world they may be. I will find relief but not peace itself, and it will not be the last time I am caught in that loop of assault and relief, so what do I really have? Why should I continue living like this? (I am not considering suicide by asking this) Why should I continue living a life that brings relief today, and assault tomorrow? Is it really a life worth living? (Again, I am not considering suicide as a solution). But why? Why can’t I be at peace from the moment I wake up, to the moment I go to sleep? Why can’t I be free of all this crap, of this aching in my heart once and for all? Why do I have to tend to these painful emotions continuously, almost every waking moment of my life? Why can’t I do my job or whatever needs to be done but without inner turmoil? Why can’t I do it in peace?

Why?

The human who has found true and lasting peace in his or her life can answer this question for me. And even if he does, will he cause lasting peace in my life? or another momentary relief — regardless of how long it lasts. If it is not something I can have for the rest of my life, or something of lifelong value, then what is the point of having it. If I have it today and lose it tomorrow then why have it. If it can be lost then did I really have it? Or was it just a mirage — a shiny empty illusion?

What is really worth pursuing in this life?…