What is The Point?
I am an habitually anxiety stricken individual. I get anxious about my performance at work, I get anxious about my bosses — there is one lady in particular who has arose in me a lot anxiety lately. I get anxious that she might be the reason that my ascend to the top will be slow or stunted in the company I work in. I get anxious about whether my hard work at the gym will lead anywhere ( this is counterintuitive, because it is at the gym that I am most free of anxiety ). I get anxious about dying without having attained this and that, I get anxious about what people think when they visit my house, I get anxious about creating a YouTube channel to talk about things to do with consciousness, nirvana, enlightened etc...I am scared how I might feel when people called me ‘fake woke’ or dismiss me as a ‘new age’ popper. etc.
I am anxious that if I remain in my current job, I will remain in a certain level of life, and I will be solidified there and I won’t have room to maneuver. Despite this anxiety I haven’t done much about it. It shows my level of insincerity pertaining that issue. I get anxious when think about how I texted my uncle about a certain issue in his family based on hearsay. It doesn’t matter if it was true or not — I don’t remember why I felt justified to write what I wrote. I am anxious about what my girl might think of me when she realizes that I didn’t put much effort in trying to recover my lost motorcycle. I get anxious about changing my diet back to non-plant based. I get anxious about the thought of ever going back to school again. I get anxious about seeking for ‘high’ rank job positions. I get anxious about being on the screen too much seeking entertainment, I somehow feel I am wasting my life — I could be doing something of value to myself, I get anxious about so many things…I lost count.
To all these, a thought crossed my mind — it asked what the point of all these was. What is the point? If things were going to wrong anyway, then what is the point of being anxious. If things were going to go right anyway what is the point? Why do I say this? The things that went wrong or right in my life happened. The having of anxiety about them or not didn’t stop them. They just seem to have their own momentum which my anxiety doesn’t seem to affect.
An anxious person often lives a short life, rarely a long life — both filled with strife and inner turmoil. If at the beginning of one’s life he was told that such was going to be his life experience, he would totally want nothing to do with it. How has he come to accept it? How could he not? Pathology is the norm. Everyone spews out how stressed they are, and since the other two guys to his left are stressed, it becomes acceptable for him to live that way. It becomes an adherence to a group thing. The he lives his life this way, leaving the possibilities that could have been if he didn’t subscribe.
How do I get out of here? I don’t know. What I know for sure is the growing intolerance in me to live my life this way. When the threshold is reached that it will be it for me. I don’t know when, I don’t know how but I can feel it might be soon. Sooner that I think. For now, I hope this question keeps on inhabiting my mind, may it not lose lustre…it could lead somewhere.
