What Will Stop Me?

I am addicted to seeking entertainment.

I know I am insincere about wanting to stop.

I also know that I am wasting a lot of time that could have been better utilized somewhere else.

As much as I wish and pray to stop, I don’t know what will make me.

Consuming entertainment feels like killing myself with sweet poison.

I am numb to possible consequences of it.

It seems like every time I write about it, think about it, complain about it the more pulled in towards it I become.

Today alone I have spent at least 4 hours on it.

4 hours of my life puff! gone just like that in exchange of laughter, engagement and a pleasurable feeling. The fleeting.

The entertainment is sweet. This sweetness is why I fear that I might get usurped in it. I am already usurped in it. The content is getting even more sensational.

I have tones of work piled up even as I write this but I don’t feel guilty for wasting time on entertainment.

The methods I have employed to try a curb it have made it even more attractive.

If I am one word it would be ‘distracted’.

The seeking of entertainment has made me a consumer. The common. Lacking depth. Mediocre. Unable to produce works of great quality.

I don’t know how to cultivate a genuine desire to quit seeking entertainment.

I don’t know what consequence would deem the seeking of entertainment an unworthy pursuit.

I don’t know how this habit can stop, it has infiltrated all of my viscera. It has colored the lenses of my eyes.

Willpower and ‘self discipline’ have not worked so far. I don’t trust them to work in the near future.

I sincerely don’t know how to stop.

I also don’t know if the consequences of having wasted time on entertainment are something I can stomach.

If I were to guess, I would say that I wouldn’t like the consequences.

Time wasted cannot be made back. This fact has not been enough to bring a sense of urgency and a natural avoidance to seek entertainment.

I don’t know where I will hit the stop sign to this.

I know the reader of this can’t solve this problem either.

Nor the writings of CalNewport.

I don’t know how to proceed from here.